Man, have I been mad at myself. I've gained 20lbs back of the 70lbs I have worked so hard to lose. It's not just about the weight gain it's about the fact that I haven't been running, my life has gotten so crazy with my kids, my work and my homelife (which I love all of them) that I've lost the energy and drive to do it, every time I get myself back into something happens and I lose it again. I've been in this horrid cycle of beating myself up, feeling sorry for myself over it and hating my lack of desire to be that better version of myself. The food, oh the food, it's so easy to just fall back into those old patterns and habits and before you know it your jeans don't fit and you're looking at that sad face in the mirror with tears in your eyes asking yourself "WHAT HAPPENED?" How did I lose myself again? I actually thought the other day, "why did you give away all your bigger sizes, now you have nothing to wear." What kind of thought process is that?! Today while doing laundry I bent over to get the clothes out of the dryer and the button on my jeans popped off.....tears. What have I done?!
I want to feel alive again, I want that confidence back, I want my muffin top gone....but I want muffins too. I need a change, I need a fresh start, I need an attitude adjustment. I've been praying asking God to give me the strengthen to get back to what I want, for that fire and drive to be back in my life. I took my daughter to walmart this morning and I found myself wondering down the Easter candy aisle, searching for those cadbury eggs that I love so much, I found them. 50% off and I grabbed not one but TWO boxes of 5. As I held them in my hand, a lady walked by me, my daughter being the outspoken little princess that she is, said, "Hi lady, are you getting candy too?" She smiled at Bella, said "I'm thinking about it, what's your name little girl." Bella chatted for a few minutes with her and she looked at me and said, I kid you not, "I think I use to see you running in the mornings on my way to work....where have you been? You always made me feel like I could get out there and do it too." I looked at her and shamefully said, "I haven't been out in a long time, but I'm ready to get back to it." She smiled and said, "you should, you always looked......you had this smile and a look of determination on your face. You love it, you can tell." Holy crap! Who was this lady?! I live in a small town so it's not really a shock that people recognize me, not many people have pink hair let alone run, but she was what I needed....she lit a fire in me, I put those cadbury eggs back and without a second thought I walked out of that aisle. That step alone made me feel more alive and in control than I have in awhile.
I need running. It's my therapy and I have let my anger at myself play in as a factor at keeping me from doing it. I've fallen into a black hole and used every excuse to not go and I've allowed myself to just soak in it. I'm done, I've said it over and over again that I'm starting back and within a week I mess up and use that as an excuse. But I'm done, no more excuses, no more letting mistakes ruin my spirit. I need this for me, I need this back in my life. I will face the scale tomorrow morning and I won't look back, only forward. I will lace up my shoes and I will get out there, no matter how tired I am, I will do this for me. I have always tried to keep it real on here, I'm not perfect and I don't want people thinking they can't do it, we all make mistakes, but it's how we handle them that make us the people we are. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm ready....I'm excited....I'm gonna get me back!
