New Beginnings

I've felt so sorry for myself. Personally life has been really hard this year, I've let all the things in my life fuel my horrid behavior with food. I've said it a lot, I'm an emotional eater, I eat when I'm happy, sad, mad, and then when I gain the weight I eat cause I'm upset about it. Viscous cycle. I've been reading through my past blogs so upset and honestly really embarrassed. I've always kept it real on here, this journey has never been a straight road for me, and when I found running something changed in me, I found so much joy and confidence it in, and it changed my body in a way that I never thought possible. Then I lost, Since January of 2014 I have struggled, I've gained 20lbs of my original 70 lost and my clothes don't fit. I cried in the dressing room the other day and not tears of joy like the last time I cried in one. I bought a larger size pair of shorts just to make it through the next 10lbs and I felt awful about it. I took a long hard look in the mirror the other day. It's time to get over it, suck it up and push past the mistakes and where I'm at right now. It's time to stop letting the struggles in life control my decisions, in the end I'm the one who controls what I eat and drink. I'm ready and I'm done making excuses. So today I start over for the last time, I'm embarrassed but I'm honest about this, it's never an easy road but I am determined to get back to where I was in 2013. It's time to shake it off, move past it and kick some butt. I've got 23lbs to go and I'm going to use that number as a guideline, I never hit the 130's but I tell you what I felt amazing in the 140's and I want that feeling back. I want those 20 miles a week and I want to look in the mirror and think you did it, now keep it up. I'm ready. I'm excited. I'm in control. Just like I've been training my team with my job....train your brain....speak it and make things happen so here goes. I AM a weight losing, goal achieving, running machine! I will concur this, I will be happy and above all I will love myself. 

Who's coming with me?! 

Weekly Goals

Water Water Water

Run 20 miles

Lose 1-3lbs

Month Goal 

By June 30th (my birthday!) be down at least 10lbs

Main Goal:

Lose 23lbs.... M A I N T A I N and BE HAPPY!

WHAT HAPPENED?!

Man, have I been mad at myself. I've gained 20lbs back of the 70lbs I have worked so hard to lose. It's not just about the weight gain it's about the fact that I haven't been running, my life has gotten so crazy with my kids, my work and my homelife (which I love all of them) that I've lost the energy and drive to do it, every time I get myself back into something happens and I lose it again. I've been in this horrid cycle of beating myself up, feeling sorry for myself over it and hating my lack of desire to be that better version of myself. The food, oh the food, it's so easy to just fall back into those old patterns and habits and before you know it your jeans don't fit and you're looking at that sad face in the mirror with tears in your eyes asking yourself "WHAT HAPPENED?" How did I lose myself again? I actually thought the other day, "why did you give away all your bigger sizes, now you have nothing to wear." What kind of thought process is that?! Today while doing laundry I bent over to get the clothes out of the dryer and the button on my jeans popped off.....tears. What have I done?!

I want to feel alive again, I want that confidence back, I want my muffin top gone....but I want muffins too. I need a change, I need a fresh start, I need an attitude adjustment. I've been praying asking God to give me the strengthen to get back to what I want, for that fire and drive to be back in my life.  I took my daughter to walmart this morning and I found myself wondering down the Easter candy aisle, searching for those cadbury eggs that I love so much, I found them. 50% off and I grabbed not one but TWO boxes of 5. As I held them in my hand, a lady walked by me, my daughter being the outspoken little princess that she is, said, "Hi lady, are you getting candy too?" She smiled at Bella, said "I'm thinking about it, what's your name little girl." Bella chatted for a few minutes with her and she looked at me and said, I kid you not, "I think I use to see you running in the mornings on my way to work....where have you been? You always made me feel like I could get out there and do it too." I looked at her and shamefully said, "I haven't been out in a long time, but I'm ready to get back to it." She smiled and said, "you should, you always looked......you had this smile and a look of determination on your face. You love it, you can tell."  Holy crap! Who was this lady?! I live in a small town so it's not really a shock that people recognize me, not many people have pink hair let alone run, but she was what I needed....she lit a fire in me,  I put those cadbury eggs back and without a second thought I walked out of that aisle. That step alone made me feel more alive and in control than I have in awhile.

I need running. It's my therapy and I have let my anger at myself play in as a factor at keeping me from doing it. I've fallen into a black hole and used every excuse to not go and I've allowed myself to just soak in it. I'm done, I've said it over and over again that I'm starting back and within a week I mess up and use that as an excuse. But I'm done, no more excuses, no more letting mistakes ruin my spirit. I need this for me, I need this back in my life. I will face the scale tomorrow morning and I won't look back, only forward. I will lace up my shoes and I will get out there, no matter how tired I am, I will do this for me. I have always tried to keep it real on here, I'm not perfect and I don't want people thinking they can't do it, we all make mistakes, but it's how we handle them that make us the people we are. I'm done feeling sorry for myself, I'm ready....I'm excited....I'm gonna get me back!

2015....it's ON!

Well it's a new year and while everyone is making resolutions to lose weight, I'm making a resolution to get back to being happy and comfortable in my own skin. For me that was around 145lbs but mainly it was the running that made me happy. I worked so hard to not let that stupid scale tell me how to feel but it was always there under the surface bothering me. I turned running into something I "had" to do to lose weight and in that I lost the joy in it. I still liked the feeling of running but I didn't crave the pavement like I did before. So it was easy to use the cold or time as an excuse to not do it. In 2015 I want to get back to my jeans fitting me comfortably so whatever weight number that is that's what I want. I have 145lbs in mind and I'm using that as a guideline but I will not let it rule me anymore. I will get back to being FIT and HAPPY with myself this year. I'm ready. I'm excited. It's easy to not watch what you eat and just eat when and what you want but in the end it doesn't feel so great when you are trying desperately to get your jeans on. I'm recommitting to tracking my food, making better choices and working out. I'm going to start slowly and work my way back up to 20 miles a week with my running and I'm going to get back on the weights. I have to get serious for a bit to really get my clothes comfortable again but once I hit that I will not be ruled by food and what I can and can not eat, I will get back to the eat this not that mindset and I will be happy with my body cause it's done some amazing things and continue to do more. 

What are your goals for 2015?!  

Facebook.com/IrunbecauseIliketoeat