A peak inside the crazy mind of me.....enter at your own risk

Hi guys! It's been awhile, my daughter has been giving me a run for my money lately, she's two going on sixteen. My son has been struggling with some things and honestly my mind has been in twenty different places at once. I've felt like a complete failure in almost every part of my life and the past few months I've been in a fog about everything. Just trying to make it to bedtime everyday, I've yet to get the 10lbs I gained at Christmas off and that has depressed me so much, I just keep messing up and I have no one to blame but myself. I know the number on the scale isn't what defines me but when I look in the mirror I see so many things I want different and I keep fighting but I'm just going in circles. I've let most of you down I'm sure because I haven't been as present on my page. For that I'm sorry, I just have felt like I can't motivate you when I can't even keep myself from messing up. There is a part of me that just wants to stop trying, to just say this is as good as it's going to get, I mean I lost 70lbs over the past two years....50lbs of them last year but I am still not where I want to be. I see so many of my friends who bounce right back to that "bikini body" after having babies and I hate myself because I was never there....even before kids. I have never had any confidence in myself. Running gave me so much, I felt so proud to be me just 4 months ago. But then I gained that 10lbs and I can't get it off and now I feel like a loser again because it should have been off by now, I've been trying since January for crying out loud....I should be at my goal which is twenty pounds from where I'm at now. Ugh. I just want to stomp my foot on the ground and scream WHY?! Why is it so so easy to gain weight yet so incredibly hard to lose it?! I always hit this point, I've been at this weight game for 11 years now.....I always hit this 10lb range and I can't get any more off. I was so determined this time last year and since August I just haven't been as strong with my will power and every week I say this is it I'm ready to get me back and every week I screw up and spend the rest of my week trying to make up for it and failing most of the time. Sure I lost three pounds last week but I'm already up for this week and I know I have two days left but I sure it won't be good because I screwed up this past weekend. It's been a vicious cycle, I feel a relief when I say I'm just going to stop for a bit, but every morning I wake up and think I can't stop, I can't give up and then I keep trying. My knee has been keeping me from running and that has just put me further down in my hole, everyday I'm prepared to try and then I get nervous about it and stay home. The few times I've actually gone out it's bothered me and that scares me because I don't want to cause long term damage but I miss running so much. The freedom, the struggle, the power it gave me. I miss it and I don't know what I'm going to do if I really truly can't do it anymore.
My struggle continues......it's April and I hope with everything in me by the end of 2014 I will have reached my goals and hopes of running a half marathon. I guess I'll keep trying because I know me and my obsessive mind.....I won't stop, I'll just keep beating myself up and hopefully I'll get off this loop and start moving forward again.