Nanny

The end of April always brings a certain sadness to it because it means May is coming and I don't care for the month of May. With the 8th anniversary of her death just a month away the weight of her being gone seems to come crashing down on me. Every day is hard, at least once a day I get that urge to call and tell her something and I can't. 8 years...8, and it still feels like yesterday I held her hand as her heart stopped. That terrible moment when the beating sped up and then slowly declined to one long hum. I'll never forget that, I stared at her face not taking my eyes off of her, she hadn't been responding to us for a few days at that point, they kept telling us that she wasn't getting any better, her body was shutting down but her brain was ok, she was aware we were there but she couldn't respond to us but in that terrible moment when her heart stopped....she smiled, she was free. I get goosebumps just tying it out, people can believe what they want, but I know, know beyond any doubts that she saw Jesus coming for her and she was happy. I was with her until the end, my favorite friend. She was always more than my Grandmother, more than a mother figure to me, she was an extension of me. There wasn't anything that I couldn't tell her and there will never be another person like her. I can only pray that one day I can have a relationship with my children's children like I had with her.

I have healed a good deal in these past 8 years, but the grief is still there. My life will never be the same without her in it. The day before her surgery I sat in her living room with her, she wanted to talk to me about the possibility of her not living through it ( I know now that she knew she wouldn't make it) I knew she was strong and a fighter so the thought that she wouldn't make it wasn't even an option. I told her I knew she'd be fine and I didn't want to talk about it. She turned my face towards hers and she said, " I will always be in your heart....always." I remember that clear as a bell, her last heart to heart with me. She hugged me a long time after that I remember laying my head on her chest and listening to her heart....I remember thinking why am I doing...maybe it was my heart knowing this was the end and trying to soak up as much of her life as possible. No matter what the reasons were why I did it, I am so glad I did....the steady beats of her heart. Those are the ones I try to remember.

Last year was the first year that I didn't live where she is buried and I couldn't visit her and that seemed to make it so much harder. But at 7pm on a moments notice a large group of my friends on Facebook banned together to join in a virtual tea party honoring her life and love of hot tea with me. It lifted my spirits so much that May 23rd in my mind is Tea for Nanny day. This year I am taking it a step further by holding a virtual 5k for her as well. Proceeds from the 5k will go directly to the American Cancer Society. I know she will be proud of that. It has given me something positive to look forward to, to focus on honoring her life and not thinking so much on her death. You can find information on both Tea for Nanny and Nanny's 5k on the links below. I hope you will join me for both events and lift my spirits on the darkest day of the year for me.
She will always be in my heart.....always.

My Nanny and me January 2003

Tea for Nanny
https://www.facebook.com/events/670738096315696/?ref_dashboard_filter=upcoming

Nanny's 5k
booster.com/nanny